9/3/24 2pm

[poppyseedheart]

 Tuesdays are currently my day off work outside of weekends (I am going to be clinging to my 4-day work weeks for as long as I possibly can — the nature of this job means I am mostly in charge of my own schedule and burnout sneaks up on you so fast even with abbreviated hours), and I don't know that I have ever actually figured out the right rhythm for myself to make them count. 

Historically my Tuesdays look like seeing my therapist, doing some chores, writing, and every other week recording a podcast episode, but today I've got nothing on the calendar. It's 2pm! I've accomplished nothing of import aside from a tiny bit of admin work from bed and some lunch. And also a bunch of episodes of Love is Blind UK. I had grand plans of going on an early morning walk before it got hot but then I stayed up until 4am last night  (yikes! haven't done that in so long) so that was out of the cards by morning.

I'm trying to be better at approaching my self-sabotage with curiosity. I think it would be really easy to berate myself for being irresponsible/lazy/careless with that late night rather than being disciplined and following through on my commitments to myself (or even just hopes for myself). As I typed that out I was once again forcibly reminded of the fact that those negative traits are all words I heard a lot growing up as a high-achieving child and teenager who also almost definitely had undiagnosed ADHD. It's that framework again coming back to haunt me: You have so much potential, what's wrong with you that you keep messing it up?

But the pressure does me no good. If I push myself too hard the rest of me hardens and retreats. That's been a tough pill to swallow in adulthood, and being aware of it has been the only way out of a lot of my struggles with rigidity, depression, disordered eating, etc. I'm lucky I was able to sleep in so late and take the day easy today. I have to wonder if staying up so late was my brain's way of trying to force my hand into resting. Maybe I have a strong worry about going too all or nothing, and choosing nothing, whether consciously or not, stops me from burning out or overwhelming myself. My logical brain knows that a walk around the block wasn't going to drain all my energy reserves, but I have a lot of memories of pushing myself too hard that I'm sure are haunting moments like this.

I mostly started writing this post to try to take gentle stock of the day and decide what to do with the rest of it. There is genuinely nothing pressing or urgent that couldn't wait until tomorrow or Thursday (which is a blessing!), so I'm going to try to treat this as a menu of items. A buffet of options, if you will.

If I've got the energy and I think it would be good for me, I could:

• unload my dishwasher
• listen to my audiobook
• go grocery shopping
• do some meal prep
• go have a solo dinner somewhere
• return my library books
• work on some writing
• go get bubble tea
• see if i can find some nice wide-legged dress pants
• start planning my luggage for upcoming europe trip
• message some friends
• stretch/do some yoga

I'll leave it there! All of these things are very chill and nice, and also I am maybe understanding why, looking at it all in a big list, my brain went "can we just lie down actually". It's a privilege to be able to call this "a lot", and also I've lived alongside my depression a long time. I speak its language, you know? I can and do accomplish significantly more than this on work days, and I also am working on my 2024 resolution: to slow the hell down and do less. I've gotten better at it. And I'll keep getting better!

I may come back this evening to update on how my day was. It was nice and helpful to think about all of this in writing. Stay tuned for more glimpses into the poppyseedbrain. <3